Dr. Marc Hafkin Blog

March 27, 2013

Suggested reading from Dr. Marc Hafkin

The Dance of Anger: “Anger is a signal and one worth listening to,” writes Dr. Harriet Lerner, in her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of readers.While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless. In this engaging and eminently wise book, Dr. Lerner teaches women to identify the true sources of our anger and to use anger as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting change.

Understanding the borderline mother: The first love in our lives is our mother. Recognizing her face, her voice, the meaning of her moods, and her facial expressions is crucial to survival. Dr. Christine Ann Lawson vividly describes how mothers who suffer from borderline personality disorder produce children who may flounder in life even as adults, futilely struggling to reach the safety of a parental harbor, unable to recognize that their borderline parent lacks a pier, or even a discernible shore.

Four character profiles describe different symptom clusters that include the waif mother, the hermit mother, the queen mother, and the witch. Children of borderlines are at risk for developing this complex and devastating personality disorder themselves. Dr. Lawson’s recommendations for prevention include empathic understanding of the borderline mother and early intervention with her children to ground them in reality and counteract the often dangerous effects of living with a “make-believe” mother.

Parent Effectiveness Training: P.E.T., or Parent Effectiveness Training, began almost forty years ago as the first national parent-training program to teach parents how to communicate more effectively with kids and offer step-by-step advice to resolving family conflicts so everybody wins.  This beloved classic is the most studied, highly praised, and proven parenting program in the world — and it will work for you. Now revised for the first time since its initial publication, this groundbreaking guide will show you.

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Every day headlines are filled with examples of narcissistic individuals in positions of power who are nothing more than impostors plundering and wrecking havoc on the lives of others. From the financial barons of Wall Street to our elected officials in government, we are confronted daily with narcissists and the self-serving systems that enable them. Helping people reclaim their lives from this sinister exploitative force is the mission behind Payson’s book, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family. Using simple metaphors from the American classic, The Wizard of Oz, Payson illustrates how Dorothy’s journey captures all the seductive illusions and challenges that occur when we encounter the narcissist. Empowering the reader with the ABCs of unhealthy narcissism and the unique problems that occur when a person becomes involved with the narcissist, Payson gives step-by-step practical tools to identify, protect, and heal from these destructive relationships. Largely un-addressed in the psychology and self-help literature, this ground breaking book offers hope and help to those who have been drawn into these devastating relationships. She includes illuminating case studies that identify the problems that occur in the different types of relationships, from co-workers, to friends, to parents, to lovers. Readers employing these insights and skills will find new abilities to identify and protect against the narcissist’s manipulations and take back control of their lives.

Prisoners Of Childhood: The “drama” of the gifted—i.e., sensitive, alert—child consists of his recognition at a very early age of his parents’ needs and of his adaptation to those needs. In the process, he learns to repress rather than to acknowledge his own intense feelings because they are unacceptable to his parents. Although it will not always be possible to avoid these “ugly” feelings (anger, indignation, despair, jealousy, fear) in the future, they will split off, and the most vital part of the “true self” (a key phrase in Alice Miller’s works) will not be integrated into the personality. This leads to emotional insecurity and loss of self, which are revealed in depression or concealed behind a facade of grandiosity.Alice Miller defines the ideal state of genuine vitality, of free access to the true self and to authentic individual feelings that have their roots in childhood, as “healthy narcissism.” Narcissistic disturbances, on the other hand, represent for her solitary confinement of the true self within the prison of the false self. This is regarded less as an illness than as a tragedy.The examples Alice Miller presents make us aware of the child’s unarticulated suffering and of the tragedy of parents who are unavailable to their children—the same parents who, when they were children, were available to fill their parents’ needs. In her psychoanalytical work, Dr. Miller found that her patients’ ability to experience authentic feelings, especially feelings of sadness, had been for the most part destroyed; it was her task to help her patients try to regain that long-lost capacity for genuine feelings that is the source of natural vitality. Many people who have read her books have discovered within themselves for the first time in their lives the little child they once were. This may explain the unusually strong and deep reactions Alice Miller’s books have evoked in so many readers from different countries. The Drama of the Gifted Child and the Search for the True Self is the original title of the book, which was published in Germany.

Not “Just Friends”: The controversial book that caused a media storm on three continents with its straight-talking “perceptive, blunt, and accessibly written” (Booksense.com) revelations about the new crisis of infidelity.

According to Dr. Shirley Glass, “the godmother of infidelity” ( The New York Times ), people today are cheating on their spouses more than ever before—especially in the workplace. Dispelling common myths with compelling new research and case studies, NOT “Just Friends” is a groundbreaking chronicle of what occurs before, during, and after an affair: the danger signs, the vulnerabilities of even good marriages, and the step-by-step road to healing and protecting monogamy in the aftermath.

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March 27, 2013

Stalking

The topic of being stalked is both provocative and anxiety producing for those who have been in this type of situation. There are two main types of Crisis that individuals may expereince: The first would be considered a Developmental type of crisis which refers to a situation where an individual may have difficulty with coping or may feel overwhelmed in a manner that inhibits functional adaptability. The second type of Crisis would be considered a Situational Crisis, where there is a clear external trigger which causes the crisis i.e. a car accident or traumatic medical issue. For both the Developmental and Situational crisis situations, one of the core factors is emotional and psychological flexibility.

In a stalking situation there is generally a gradual awareness that one is being stalked, data regarding the person maybe accumulated, patterns of behavior maybe observed, feelings of uncomfortableness may seep into one’s awareness. As the crisis develops, the victim may begin to feel a sense of being threatened and the anxiety level increases to the point of either going for help or trying to disappear. To flee or stay depends on the person’s general state of emotional development, their support system, and the resources available i.e. police, friends, family and financial base.  The types of responses would also depend on whether the individual had a “normal” reaction to the abnormal situation, they could block out the situation from their consciousness or not be able to have the coping ability to respond to the crisis.

In the case of trying to disappear, a person may feel a sense of alienation from the world and go to the emotional place where everyone is a potential threat and isolation becomes a factor to consider when treating this type of person. The response of fleeing or disappearing is often the case when the individual perceives, that there is a clear case of danger to life. The fleeing person may have activated their unresolved conflicts of attachment and the crisis triggers a situation where a person feels like they have overtaxed their capacity to cope. The process of disappearing taxes a person’s flexibility when attempting to create a new life. Building a new life brings up who can be trusted? Will there be a job? Where can I work? And most importantly how is it possible to create a new sense of safety and security.

By Dr. Marc Hafkin

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